Grateful AND Struggling

November is often associated with gratitude. We are encouraged to reflect on what we are thankful for, appreciate the people in our lives, and focus on the positive. While gratitude is important, it’s easy to overlook that being grateful for our lives doesn’t mean we have to be happy with every part of them.

In today’s society, there is often an expectation that our lives should be “social media worthy” or flawless. And if they aren’t, no worries! There are filters and apps that can make them look that way. This is especially important to keep in mind as we approach the holiday season.

You can love your family and still find those relationships difficult. You can appreciate your career and still feel exhausted. You can recognize how fortunate you are and still experience sadness, loneliness, frustration, or disappointment.

These experiences don’t cancel each other out. They can exist at the same time.

One of the things I love about DBT is that it challenges us to move away from either/or thinking and make room for both/and.

💡 I can be grateful for what I have AND acknowledge what I wish were different. Both can be true.

Why Do We Feel Like We Have to Choose?

💭 Something to Think About: How often do we hear or tell ourselves:

• “I shouldn’t complain. Other people have it worse.”

• “I have so much to be thankful for. Why am I not happier?”

• “I should just focus on the positive.”

• “I have a good life. I shouldn’t feel this way.”

While these statements may help us gain perspective, they can also lead us to dismiss what we are actually experiencing. Telling ourselves we shouldn’t feel a certain way doesn’t make the emotion disappear. Instead, we may end up feeling guilty or frustrated for having the emotion in the first place. So, what was intended to help actually creates more distress.

In DBT, we talk a lot about validation. Validation means acknowledging that our experiences and emotions make sense given the circumstances. It doesn’t mean every thought is accurate or every behavior is effective. It means recognizing our experience without immediately judging ourselves for it.

💡 Just because you think it or feel it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a fact. AND your emotional experience can still be valid.

💭 Thought Exercise: The next time you find yourself saying, “I shouldn’t be upset because I have so much to be thankful for,” try reframing it:

“I have a lot of things in my life that I appreciate, AND I’m also having a really difficult time right now.”

Or try replacing but with and.

Instead of “I love my job, but I’m overwhelmed,” try “I love my job, AND I’m overwhelmed.”

It may seem like a small change, but it creates room for two experiences to exist at the same time.

Why Is It So Hard to Accept Things We Cannot Change?

Another DBT skill worth practicing as we enter the holiday season is Radical Acceptance. I think Radical Acceptance is one of the most challenging and misunderstood skills in DBT.

💭 Something to Think About: When you hear the word acceptance, what do you assume it means?

If your answer is something along the lines of “I’m supposed to be okay with something I don’t like or approve of what happened,” you’re not alone. And that’s not what Radical Acceptance means.

💡 Radical Acceptance Doesn’t Mean Giving Up.

Radical Acceptance means acknowledging reality as it is, even when we don’t like it. We can accept that a relationship isn’t what we hoped it would be, that life has taken an unexpected direction, or that certain circumstances are outside our control. AND we can still want things to change.

In fact, accepting reality often puts us in a better position to decide what to do next and opens the door to problem-solving. As Marsha Linehan teaches, we can accept the past and present while working to change the future.

When we spend our energy fighting against what has already happened or insisting things shouldn’t be the way they are, we can become stuck, often turning pain into additional suffering.

💭 Thought Exercise: Think about something in your life you wish were different.

Ask yourself: What am I having a difficult time accepting about this situation?

If I acknowledged that this is where things are right now, what choices would I have moving forward?

You don’t have to like the answer or even feel ready to accept it. Sometimes the first step is simply recognizing where we are struggling with reality and practicing willingness to acknowledge it.

Gratitude Doesn’t Require Us to Ignore Difficult Emotions

There is a difference between practicing gratitude and using gratitude to avoid uncomfortable emotions.

Gratitude helps us recognize the things that bring joy, connection, and meaning to our lives. But when we use gratitude to tell ourselves we shouldn’t be struggling, it can become another way of avoiding what we feel.

💡 Building a life worth living doesn’t mean creating a life without disappointment, stress, or painful emotions. It means identifying what matters to us and taking steps toward a meaningful life, even when things are difficult.

Sometimes that means changing a situation. Sometimes it means changing how we respond. And sometimes it means accepting what we cannot change and deciding how we want to move forward.

A Different Way to Think About Gratitude This November

As we move into November, I encourage you to expand the way you think about gratitude. Rather than feeling pressure to focus only on what is going well, practice appreciating the good while acknowledging the difficult.

We can be thankful for the people in our lives AND recognize that relationships take work.

We can appreciate the opportunities we’ve had AND grieve those we’ve lost.

We can be proud of how far we’ve come AND recognize there are still things we want to change.

💡 Gratitude and dissatisfaction don’t have to compete. Both can exist.

This November, rather than asking yourself to be grateful instead of feeling something difficult, consider making room for both.

You can appreciate the life you have AND continue working toward the life you want.

And perhaps one of the most meaningful things we can be grateful for is the opportunity to keep growing, learning, and making changes along the way.